Down to content

Staring

Posted Wed 26th Oct 2016 at 12:37
by Alice Franklin

Share

In one outing I showed a tuna and sweetcorn salad my middle finger, shouted the word ‘BEIGE!’ at a man dressed entirely in said hue, and told the whole of Starbucks to f- off. In the queue for the ladies, I let out an innocuous (albeit incongruous) ‘WOO’, and the woman in front actually backed away. As a general rule, I turn heads. People look at me, but people also more than look at me: they stare.

Since the onset of my tics a year or two ago, I have tried a couple of things to deal with the unwanted attention.

First I decided to stare back at whoever happened to be staring at me. The opportunity to do this arose when I was on a bus, and a sequence of grimaces caused another traveller to look pointedly at me. I, in turn, looked at him straight in the eye, my hope being that he would back down when he saw the ferocity of my gaze. Alas, I lasted only a lingering second or two before I backed down. I concluded that I was poor at holding a stranger’s gaze, and resolved not to try this tactic again.

I then decided to apologise to whoever happened to be staring at me, especially if I let out a particularly impolite tic. I thought that a quiet apology would counterbalance any annoyance cause by my accidental profanity, much like when you say ‘excuse me’ after sneezing. I was on the tube and absent-mindedly looking in the vague direction of a man. Although my ‘f- off’ was not directed at him, or indeed anyone, it certainly looked like it was. I took the opportunity to apologise, but the fact that I had spoken to someone on the London Underground seemed to be far more unacceptable than any tic, obscene or otherwise. The man looked bewildered and said nothing. I concluded that I would not apologise again, especially as, all things considered, I’m not even that sorry.

My third and final tactic was to understand what staring is, and to ignore it.

I found out that staring is pretty universal. Apparently even primates stare. It is something that people do whether they want to or not, something we have to teach children not to do, and something that has nothing to do with the gazer’s levels of empathy.

It is an invaluable screening process. Every day, we are all constantly and unconsciously scanning our surroundings with our eyes, trying to figure out whether our environment is safe or not. Whenever we notice an anomaly (someone flipping off a salad perhaps), we stare at it whilst we figure out whether or not this anomaly is a menace.

So when I tic, I am an anomaly. The starers are trying to figure out whether or not I am a threat. If the starer responds with a half-smile, then maybe he has decided I am not a threat. If the starer responds by backing away, then maybe she has decided I am a threat.

In many cultures, staring is considered rude. This makes sense. It is not nice to feel the gaze of someone else on you whilst they judge you.

I wish people did not stare, but they do, and they always will. I have come to not really care. Whilst it can make many feel extremely self-conscious, I find it easier than most to ignore a pointed gaze. I find it helpful to remember that I, like everyone, am as guilty of staring at others as they are of staring at me.


Return to blog


Events

Friday 29 March 10:00

Q&A Drop-in session, Online 10am - 11am

Tuesday 02 April 20:00

Webinar - An Evening With John Davidson MBE and Paul Stevenson

Wednesday 03 April 19:00

Adults with TS Online Support group, Online 7pm - 8pm

Contact us

If you have any questions we would love to hear from you

donate